Today, while looking at the Aegen Sea, I remembered a few lines from one of my poems: when I left on this journey, I didn’t know what was pushing me forward, but I did leave to find my true nature. And I thought I would like to travel the world, that I have a nomad side, that is hungry for experience and meeting new people. Maybe after the inner journey, the journey around the world should start. Maybe I could be a travel writer. I started this live journal in Paris, a mix of facts and feelings and it’s late at night and I’m smoking in this balconaki in Greece and the itch to live and share is very strong again. Today, I realised with surprise I can read the Greek alphabet, it comes natural after so many years of maths. Written Greek is like a never ending equation. But without any equal sign, just a continuos flow. Life is like that as well.
I still haven’t written the rest of the story about Paris, maybe I will do it tomorrow, between a walk, a delicious snack or a glass of wine. Or on the bus towards our next stop. The truth is I am getting bored of Bucharest, I told A. in Paris, maybe it’s time to leave again. I still want to live in Lisbon one day. Would you like to live somewhere else? I asked. Mm, although I hate it, I want to be in Paris, here is the heart of the French cinema. Love and hatred, it’s always like that. Maybe when we manage to assume everything we do, we become true artists. I remember the talks with Larisa in Paris about the uplifting, healing aspect of art. But what do we do with our shadow, it’s a dilemma I haven’t solved yet. I can be warm and sweet, but also cruel. And it’s still me, we act and react, mirroring each other. I want to be authentic, to just let life flow through me. And just grab a pen, or a camera or a canvas and share what we all live. My experience is not different from those of other people, I just like to look at it sometimes as if I am a spectator. I will translate in French that theatre play I wrote and send it
The first thing I saw in Greece was a sign on the side of the road. There were two arrows, to the right: industrial area, to the left Christos. I was half asleep in the car and I opened my eyes and saw it. Laura doesn’t like to talk about her job, he said. In my secret financial life I am an engineer.
Signs, there are everywhere, if you have the eyes to see them.
At the middle of On Pont des Arts in Paris, A. stopped and asked me a question. It was one of those cinematic moments that life sometimes grants us with. With the Eiffel Tower on the background, I could see the actor performing his
personal drama. Laura, do you believe in God? I said yes, I believe there is something out there, I see like a net of coincidences and events wrapping around me. I should be grateful for that. But sometimes I am not.
I have a great resource of love that I don’t know what to do with sometimes, I bounce between isolation and the need to connect. I am attracted to troubled, neurotic artists, continously searching for the unknown. But also, as I age, I started liking young boys because I like the purity that is still untouched by cynism. This cynism is like a poison that we drop continously inside our own hearts. But we all want to be be open and free, don’t we? Maybe I have a spiritual mission, to filter hope from all my troubles and share it futher on. I am sometimes surprised when people percieve me as calm, because deep inside me there is always something burning, that does not allow me to rest. Maybe it’s a hunger for understanding and that spiritual mission I was talking about is to teach myself how to enjoy life, with its hills and valleys, seas and deserts and then share the tale of this journey with others. We are never really alone and as I travel more, on the inner and outside paths, I understand these three things that get constantly mixed inside me, art and life and love, are all about the people.